Post by Casey Spel on Jul 24, 2008 6:46:05 GMT -5
i feel like blehh right now.
so much has been going on lately
gawd, 9th grade had SO much drama
and its only the BEGINING of high school
im going to MELT!!
I really hate being single. Like, I can hang with my friends at the mall, have friends sleep over, sleep over at my best friend, liz, 's house
but in reality, tho im lucky (cuz at my dads, the farthest i get is the library which is a block away so usually, i skateboard there) to be able to do thoes things, what i really want to do is have a boyfriend whom i can spend my time with.
i had once spoke to my mom about it. this was pretty much the convo:
"mom, what if i had a boyfriend?"
"why, sex?"
"no, mom, thats not my definition for boyfriend. my def is someone who will be there for me, someone who can understand and read me like a book, even if im blank white pages. someone who could hold me and protect me, and make me feel safe and secure. someone who can make me feel like a girl. someone i can laugh with. its not sex, im not doing that until after im married and with my husband and him only. i just want someone who could fill my empty time with. because almost every girl whos single and secretly hate it, dont feel as secure and protected as a girl with a boyfriend or someone they can lean on and take care of and stuff and be taken care of. in my last relationship, i felt like more of the man than he was, and i just want someone who can be the man, and i can feel it"
... she began to tear up, mainly cuz she feels like a single girl who hates it, even tho shes married. and because she feels more like the man than her own husband, always haveing to work and please and the only thing she gets in return is... well.... nothing.
in fact, shes out of job and my stepdad is working. YET, my mom pays for EVERYTHING. the car, the house, me, my stepsis. she hasnt bought herself anything new since she got laid off. She cant afford things we want, so we have to let thoes go and think of only the things we need.
my mom is thinking about seperation. but thats not my problem, i kinda dont care.
in reality though, im afraid of living with my dad. at my dads, i can barely be on the comp or have my own privacy. im not allowed to be on the fone with girls for more than an hour and a half, not allowed to talk to boys AT ALL unless its school related (homework, project, etc), i dont have a voice or a say in anything, no rights, no this, no that. i cant do anything, i can only hang out with people of the same cultire - which is people who have NO TASTE in music, no mind of their own, always saying yes, no opinion, younger than me, people who dont understand reality, boring, find stupid things funny and find funny things stupid, AND JUDGE YOU. i cant take it there...
but at the same time, i cant leave there. i can stay for 2 days before we get into fights. IM NOT EVEN ALLOWED OT HAVE A FRIEND WHOS GAY BECAUSE HE CHOOSES TO BE WITH A MALE. BLEHHHH!!!!! its retarded! but i mean, im scared as fuck that my dad dies. if my dad does die, i loose about 30 people that are extreamly close to me. a lot of family and a few close friends. i cant loose them i cant loose him. i cant loose my brothers. my precious baby brothers that are adorable and cute andgive me random kisses just because, and are hilarious dorks.
i cant loose them.
theres a lot more: the girl i thought was my best friend is now my worst enemy, i was at a funeral the first week of summer v, i made a new best friends, one of my best friends got laid 10 times, 8 times in school 1 in his house, 1 in his gf's house AND they broke up, i liked a boy and he liked me, but his best friend is my worst enemy and that changed EVERYTHING for us, i now have a crush on like, 3 of my close best guy friends. 2 are taken, and one is single, but he only sees me as one of the best things that happened to him, and nothing more (like, the closest person/friend kinna thing), i question who are my true friends, keepers, and who isnt every single day, ETC ETC ETC!!!!
Theres wayy too much shit going on and i cant fucking take much more of it anymore. i hold in everything, restraining myself from crying or showing any sign of sadness. no, im not going to cut myself or try suicide because thats stupid. im not going to drink myself to death or overdose because i dont wanna die, but i really cant hold much more of this, and im afraid to burst.
yeahh well, theres much much more of this stuff, this is like, a sample i guess...
i should go, its 5am o.O
so much has been going on lately
gawd, 9th grade had SO much drama
and its only the BEGINING of high school
im going to MELT!!
I really hate being single. Like, I can hang with my friends at the mall, have friends sleep over, sleep over at my best friend, liz, 's house
but in reality, tho im lucky (cuz at my dads, the farthest i get is the library which is a block away so usually, i skateboard there) to be able to do thoes things, what i really want to do is have a boyfriend whom i can spend my time with.
i had once spoke to my mom about it. this was pretty much the convo:
"mom, what if i had a boyfriend?"
"why, sex?"
"no, mom, thats not my definition for boyfriend. my def is someone who will be there for me, someone who can understand and read me like a book, even if im blank white pages. someone who could hold me and protect me, and make me feel safe and secure. someone who can make me feel like a girl. someone i can laugh with. its not sex, im not doing that until after im married and with my husband and him only. i just want someone who could fill my empty time with. because almost every girl whos single and secretly hate it, dont feel as secure and protected as a girl with a boyfriend or someone they can lean on and take care of and stuff and be taken care of. in my last relationship, i felt like more of the man than he was, and i just want someone who can be the man, and i can feel it"
... she began to tear up, mainly cuz she feels like a single girl who hates it, even tho shes married. and because she feels more like the man than her own husband, always haveing to work and please and the only thing she gets in return is... well.... nothing.
in fact, shes out of job and my stepdad is working. YET, my mom pays for EVERYTHING. the car, the house, me, my stepsis. she hasnt bought herself anything new since she got laid off. She cant afford things we want, so we have to let thoes go and think of only the things we need.
my mom is thinking about seperation. but thats not my problem, i kinda dont care.
in reality though, im afraid of living with my dad. at my dads, i can barely be on the comp or have my own privacy. im not allowed to be on the fone with girls for more than an hour and a half, not allowed to talk to boys AT ALL unless its school related (homework, project, etc), i dont have a voice or a say in anything, no rights, no this, no that. i cant do anything, i can only hang out with people of the same cultire - which is people who have NO TASTE in music, no mind of their own, always saying yes, no opinion, younger than me, people who dont understand reality, boring, find stupid things funny and find funny things stupid, AND JUDGE YOU. i cant take it there...
but at the same time, i cant leave there. i can stay for 2 days before we get into fights. IM NOT EVEN ALLOWED OT HAVE A FRIEND WHOS GAY BECAUSE HE CHOOSES TO BE WITH A MALE. BLEHHHH!!!!! its retarded! but i mean, im scared as fuck that my dad dies. if my dad does die, i loose about 30 people that are extreamly close to me. a lot of family and a few close friends. i cant loose them i cant loose him. i cant loose my brothers. my precious baby brothers that are adorable and cute andgive me random kisses just because, and are hilarious dorks.
i cant loose them.
theres a lot more: the girl i thought was my best friend is now my worst enemy, i was at a funeral the first week of summer v, i made a new best friends, one of my best friends got laid 10 times, 8 times in school 1 in his house, 1 in his gf's house AND they broke up, i liked a boy and he liked me, but his best friend is my worst enemy and that changed EVERYTHING for us, i now have a crush on like, 3 of my close best guy friends. 2 are taken, and one is single, but he only sees me as one of the best things that happened to him, and nothing more (like, the closest person/friend kinna thing), i question who are my true friends, keepers, and who isnt every single day, ETC ETC ETC!!!!
Theres wayy too much shit going on and i cant fucking take much more of it anymore. i hold in everything, restraining myself from crying or showing any sign of sadness. no, im not going to cut myself or try suicide because thats stupid. im not going to drink myself to death or overdose because i dont wanna die, but i really cant hold much more of this, and im afraid to burst.
yeahh well, theres much much more of this stuff, this is like, a sample i guess...
i should go, its 5am o.O